I truly believe that my life that I love today is the direct result of it sucking in the past. No kidding. The times that I felt like it couldn’t get any worse (I was wrong), the times where I was so lonely my heart hurt, the times when I couldn’t feed my kid anything more than tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches, the times that I felt like running so I wouldn’t have to deal with the creditors calling. All of it sucked. I felt alone, I felt helpless, I felt hopeless. And then I had to pull on my big girl pants and DEAL with all of it. The phone calls to those I owed, the budgeting, the therapy, the dealing with the wreckage of my past. THAT made me stronger. When I balanced my check book and I had only ONE PENNY and I wasn’t overdrawn, that was JOY! When I finally got the creditors paid off, that was FREEDOM. When I finally landed a job that paid me more than my monthly nut, I was ECSTATIC!
It was when I was finally dealing with life, on life’s terms, not Denice’s terms, that the magic started happening. I started to build my self esteem. I started to know my own worth. I started to have some dreams. And day to day was less of a roller coaster, sprinkled with moments of joy. When I was DEALING with my reality instead of hiding or running away from it, I felt a hundred times better.
I started to think about how I would like my life to look and I never saw it the way it is now. What I envisioned was a beautiful house with a white picket fence (literally) with harmonious energy from kids running in and out, a great and powerful relationship and fulfilling work. That’s it. It was more of a feeling than anything else. But I also knew that I needed to stretch from a personal growth standpoint to be able to actually manifest my dreams. And again, that is where the magic happened. You know that feeling inside you that KNOWS what you need to do but you are shaking in your boots because it requires you to face FEAR head on? The “I know I gotta do this but it scares the daylights out of me?!” I started doing that. I started saying YES to situations that I knew would force me to grow. Not fun sometimes. But entirely worth it. And sometimes the challenge was over in two minutes, sometimes it was two months, and sometimes it strung out to two years. It was a process.
I received an email this week. It was an invitation to speak at a national women’s conference in front of 4,000 of my industry peers. I read it twice. Shocked and proud. And then instantly sick to my stomach. I knew that this was the opportunity that I have been setting myself up for my entire life. So without my brain kicking in, I emailed back my response of gratitude and YES. LIKE BIG, ALL CAPS, DANCING ON THE TABLE, YES!! And although it will be incredible to have this opportunity to speak in front of an amazing audience of motivated and inspired women, the real reason I said YES is because of WHO I WILL BECOME IN THE PROCESS OF IT ALL.
So say YES. Put yourself out there. The real juiciness of life occurs when you don’t just dip your big toe in the pool but when you dive straight in.
let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. -Rumi
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